Monday, February 25, 2008

Diaries

February 1, 2008 11:00pm

Hindi ako makasulat ni isang tula para kay Lorena. Ako na isang makata. Bakit ganun? Tuwing tinatangka ko na ilahad ang natatangi naming pagmamahalan, bigla na lang ako natutulala at nauubusan ng ideya.

Ilan na ba ang nagawa kong tula. Sampu, beinte, tatlumpu? Hindi ko na mabilang. Akala pa naman ni Lorena, siya ang tinutukoy ko sa mga tula ko na ukol sa pag ibig. Hindi niya alam, lahat ng iyon ay walang koneksiyon sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Para yun sa mga babaeng minahal ko, mga babaeng lumisan, mga babaeng hindi ko nakasundo kahit na abot langit ang pagmamahal ko.

Bakit ganun? Pero sino ba ang mag aakala na hindi para sa kanya ang aking mga likha? Siya ang asawa ko at mahigit kalahating dekada na ang aming pagsasama.

Putangina. Ibig sabihin ba nito hindi ko siya mahal? Hindi. Mahal ko si Lorena.

February 3, 2008 1:00pm

Ang swerte ko kay Mike. Mabuting asawa, mabuting kaibigan at napaka talented pa! haaay, pag sinewerte nga naman. Pag binabasa ko mga tula na gawa niya para saken, hindi ko maiwasan na maluha. Pero bakit ganun, parang hindi ko siya mahal. Teka. Paano ba malalaman kung mahal mo na talaga?Una, hindi ko naranasan na tumibok ang puso ko na sobra sobra tulad nung dinedescribe nya sa mga tula nya. Pangalawa,hindi ko mapicture mukha niya pag matagal ko siyang hindi nakikita. Hindi ako kinikilig. Hindi ko siya namimiss. Pero hindi ko siya kayang iwan, kailangan ko si Mike. Mas malakas ako, mas confident pag andiyan siya. At saka wala din naman akong ibang gusto kundi siya. Nirerespeto ko siya. Hinahangaan ng sobra sobra. Hindi na ko makakakita ng katulad niya sa mundong ito. Shet shet. My god, sa tagal namen, eto pa din dilemma ko. NAkakaguilty. Mike doesn’t deserve this. He loves me.


February 3, 2008 11:00pm

Mga alala kasama si Lorena (subject para sa tula)

· magkahawak kamay kami habang nakaupo sa dalampasigan tapos nakakita kami ng maliit na batang lalaki naglalaro sa buhanginan

· unang pag aaway namin kung saan napaiyak ako nung nakita ko siyang lumuha.

· Pag niniig.

· Ang aming ikalimang anibersaryo

Shet. Naalala ko na naman yung ikalimang taon naming anibersaryo, nakakatawa. Lahat ng hinanda kong surpresa para kay Lorena, lahat palpak. Eto na lang isusulat ko.

….

Bukas na lang.


February 5, 2008 2pm

Malapit na pala ang ika pito naming anibersaryo. Naalala ko tuloy ang ikalima naming anibersaryo. Andaming hinanda ni Mike para sakin. Pero pilit ko iniiwasan. Kasi naman, nakakaguilty. Parang I don’t deserve those things. Pero hinayaan ko na din. Buti hindi nahalata ni Mike.


February 6, 2008 3am

Nilipad ng hanging habagat

Ang lahat ng aking alaala

At iniwan sa sinapupunan

Ng aking pagkatao ang isang memorya.


Mababaw. Gasgas na. bukas na nga lang.

February 6, 2008 3am

Nakatingin ako kay Mike habang sinusulat ko ito. Kaharap niya ang notbuk niya habang nanonood ng TV sa sala. Nagsusulat na naman siguro siya ng tula. Sana katulad ko siya. Sana makasulat ako ng kahit anung malalim na akda para ipakita ko ang pasasalamat ko na siya ang pinakasalan ko.

February 7, 2008 6am

Kaninang madaling araw. Sumuko na ako. Hindi ako makabuo ng kahit ano sa aking pagsusulat. Alauna ng umaga ng nahiga na ko sa kama. Niyakap ko si Lorena at naiyak sa sinabi niya. Mahal ko si Lorena. Hindi man katulad ng nasa aking mga tula ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, hindi ko kayang ipagpalit kung ano mang meron kaming dalawa.


February 7, 2008 7am

Kakaalis lang ni Mike papunta sa trabaho. Ito ang araw ng aming 7th anniversary. Kaninang madaling araw, alauna na siya nagpahinga. Nung niyakap niya ako, Nag isip agad ako ng sasabihin. Kahit ano, kahit hindi totoo basta dapat madrama at malalim. Sabi ko sa kanya, sa mga ganitong panahon na kayakap ko siya, ay mga panahon na lalo ko siyang namimiss..

Pero iniisip ko ngayon, may katotohanan yun. Namimiss ko nga ba siya? Paano ba magkamiss ng minamahal? Hay. Magluluto ako ng paborito ni Mike na ulam. Kahit na lalabas kami, iba pa din yung meron akong inihanda para sa kanya.

. at abo


Pilit niyang inipon ang mga abo

Na siyang tanging patunay na noo’y

may apoy sa dakong iyon


nagniningas.

Lumalagablab. mainit

At gumuguhit sa mga palad niyang ang kaniig ay lamig


Paano niya ngayon ipapaliwanag ang hiwaga nito?

Paano niya papatunayan na ito ay bahagi ng kanyang kaluluwa?

Kung nagawa niya itong iwan sa awa ng gabi


Wala na.

Ang abo ay abo.

Tuldok ang kapatid.


**para sa apoy ng mga pangarap na namatay sa buhos ng ulan.

Monday, February 4, 2008

The Empress First Dance

In this tale, one person will die. And Death will come as quietly as grains of dust brush to the wall. It will take the pitiful soul as swiftly as the waves visit to the shore.


A prophesy of death lingered in the atmosphere of the room. The aroma of fear drifted under the sheets of the bed, between the tiny cracks of the window pane, and smoothly throughout the terrazzo, walls and ceiling of the empress' room. There was a rumor of an attack from a nearby kingdom and the oracle saw a tragic death of a prominent yet faceless man.

The empress was sitting quietly on her bed in that dimly lit-fear stricken room. She was on her night gown and her usually adorned hair was resting lazily on her shoulders. Its four o’clock in the morning but she was still fully awake. She was bugged by the rumored attack and the possible death of somebody close to her or of herself. She was staring at the crown resting dignified on one corner when she heard a cough from the terrace. She felt her blood rushed to her face as fear overcome her. She stood up and started to move toward the door but stopped when she heard him spoke up. It was drizzling outside and crickets are deafeningly silent as if they knew the lurking terror of the night.

“It’s me Athea”. The voice was like cold water poured on her that she froze on where she was standing. “It’s me, Agony.”

‘What are you doing here?’ She picked up the blanket that was crumpled onto the floor like a frightened dog and she wrapped it around her gown.

“I came to see you. I just want to make sure that you are okay. I heard the prediction of the prophet about the death of a significant person of this kingdom and, I don’t know, my feet led me to this room” he said while walking towards her direction.

“It is the least I should think of at the moment. There is a threat of attack and being the empress, don’t you think I should be the most bothered. You should leave. I’m tired and I need to sleep.”

“Well, can I have you for a moment in a dance then?” he asked.

“Are you crazy? You could have been killed by the guards if they caught you. You would be ostracized by the people for being here. And now you’re telling me you came here for a superficial reason as this?” she was almost out of breath.

“I don’t care. Athea, death is also the least I’m thinking of. I died a couple of times before. I died when you decided to leave me. I died again when you chose the crown over me and when…” he was cut by her angry look.

‘I didn’t choose the crown. Destiny assigned it to me. I don’t have a choice. The responsibility runs into my blood and breathes like a fetus on my womb. Can’t you understand that?” The crickets started to cry as if they heard her agonized whisper.

“ You promised me the last time we met in the woods with a dance that never ends. Since it seems like the promised eternity is far from what is happening right now, I'll just claim a dust of that vow. I'll claim a moment of dance with you. I died before but was brought back to life because of hope that we could get back together. But this morning smells like coffin drenched by the water of the river. Tomorrow, I will no longer be your lover but a soldier of this kingdom so let me have now what you have promised me. “ She saw sarcasm and mockery all over his face.

“Please stop this none sense. Let's just stop hurting each other and accept that we can never be together. I am the empress and married to my kingdom” tears kissed her cheeks.

“Athea, I am afraid that my body will die tomorrow without seeing you. Let me hold you tonight even for a moment. That's all I ask of you.” he said calmly

She threw herself to him and cried. She sobbed as he led her to a dance through the music only them could hear. Why do good things never last?

Agony lifted stroked her long hair and lifted her face. “I'm afraid this is the last time I will see you. I can't go on like this. I succumb to this fate and die with this memory of you.

I have struggled in vain and I can no longer bear it. I will let go of you now and find my piece of liberty. Don't look for me Athea for I'll be gone for eternity.”




~~~~~~~~~

Agony took the path back to the streets. He walked fast without looking back. If war breaks in the next few days, he will fight and end his own torment. He knew the moment that he heard the prophesy that it is he who's going to die. He decided to die. He wanted to die. He has to die now.

But days became months and months became a year but the attack didn't come. They lived peacefully and happily. Agony left and found a new love – away from the kingdom and away from Athea. Everything seems to be normal and the people, including Agony, thought that the prophecy wasn't true after all.

But the crickets witnessed a horrible death. Somebody died that night in that dimly-lit room. They heard the soul stopped crying and drifted somewhere else – to her own delirium probably. The crickets knew the prophesy was true and that death came as silent as the grains of dust brush to the wall and as swiftly as waves visit to the shore. They witnessed the worst kind of death: living without hope and without life.