Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Bridges of the Madison County

I read the novel 'The bridges of the Madison County' and came across a paragraph that best describes how I picture the 'him' in my life right now and how I feel toward him. grabe. siya na siya tlaga.

".. she ran all the images through her mind, meticulously, remembering everything, forgetting nothing, imprinting all of it, forever, like tribesmen passing down an oral history through the generations. He was tall and thin and hard, and he moved like the grass itself, without effort, gracefully. His hair hung well below his ears and nearly always look disheveled; as if he had just came in from a long sea voyage through a stiff wind and had tried to brush it into place with his hands.."

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Learning the Art of Delaying Gratification

My mind wandered to the heaven or somewhere close to it. The wind tasted like almonds on my lips. I felt the apertures of my body opened to let the beams of light enter me and nourish me with an unusual lightness. I heard someone murmuring at the distance but I can’t make any meaning out of the words though I felt the pressing weight of it on me. I relaxed my shoulders and concentrated on the voice that was ringing on my eardrums like a frightened kid banging on his parents’ door after seeing a shadow at the window.

The voice, I guess, was telling me to wait on something or someone but I can’t be sure. Ironically, it drifted farther, the more I concentrated on reaching it. It eloped from my senses and I started to lose grip of it as peace began to embrace me. I was about to be defeated by the heaviness of my eyelids when my mom strangely came out from the stacks of clouds and tapped my leg with the back of her hand. That was when I realized I was dreaming. I realized that my mind played tricks on me and led me to one of the paradoxes of existence AGAIN – to the reverie where a person can feel the most real.

“Remember that a delay is never a denial from God. In God’s time, things will fall into the right places” the priest emphasized each word.

Did he notice me sleeping? It was my first thought.

I looked around and finally came back to my senses. My mother was sitting beside me with her hands clasped together on her lap. I looked at her at the corner of my eye wondering what she’ll tell me later when we get home. She has the ability to hide her anger or irritation when it is necessary. I remember many scenarios where she appeared cool and patiently waited for the opportunity to corner me alone to storm me with words.

I was then reminded of a book that I read not too long ago entitled The Road Less Traveled. The author said that a key to a fulfilling life is learning the art of Delaying Gratification. According to him, life is like eating a cake. A person should eat the part that he likes less to enjoy the best part of the cake at the end. Work now, gain later. Sacrifice now, win later. It made sense. It somehow jived with what the priest is lecturing. Patience is the key to a fulfilling life. However, life isn’t a piece of cake.

I’m a professional procrastinator. Don’t get me wrong, I am not proud of it. I believe that every person has a monster under his bed to defeat, a battle to win. This is my monster, which described by a close friend, a humongous creature lurking under me.

While I delay things that are necessary, I get impatient to get what I want. I know that this is a bad combination but an amalgamation I cannot eradicate from my system. I have a problem with time and time has a problem with me. Repeatedly, it beats the hell out of me. It is a dangerous enemy. While I try to kill it, it slowly injures my eternity -scarcely with warning.

I think of these things while I waited for the mass to end. I tried to recite the prayers the way I sip my coffee when I’m watching a movie – intently and slowly. However, when I heard the priest’s ending cue, adrenaline pulled me out to the sun. Outside, my mom gave me an angry look and uttered ‘You wait till we get home!’

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

20 questions

Here are the rules: Remove one (1) question from below and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag eight. List them out at the end of this post.

1. Who do you miss the most right now?

Jerome Bangayan :(

2. My question: Past or present, who would you consider the greatest love of your life?
Shet. E.M.

3. Ever thought of going away just to be alone? What do you have in mind? I'm a loner. Sana may kasama, para iba naman

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?

5. Which part of you that you hate the most?
my arms. harhar.

6. When you encounter a sad moment, what would you do?
I drink starbucks strawberry and cream (which I dont drink during my 'steady lang' days. hhehe) kaya kelangan mayaman ako pag malulungkot ako.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
my ultimate dream in life and my passion to achieve it.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Go to Thailand with my family and have my business which I will name Little Plates. pag 10million, magpoproduce ako ng movie.

9. What do you loved the most last year (2007)?
hmmm. masama ba pag wala akong maalala? hmmm, like the years before 2007, I'm grateful of my family.

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you:
mommy fiona: sensitive of what other people feel, sweet and caring. =)

11. How do you cope with boredom?
watch movies, watch movies, watch movies. I'm cinemaphilic

12. Till now, what is the moment that you regret the most?

not finishing college on time.

13. Which type of person do you hate the most?

14. What is your ambition?
To be a broadcaster.

15. If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
to go back in time so I would not do the same mistakes again.

16. My questions:Who is the most important in your life at the moment aside from your family?
My sorority batchmate, bestfriend and doppelganger: BAtchie Joy!

17. It is already 2008, do you have a new year’s resolution?
wala! cge may resolution: magpapayat, magsipag sa thesis at pumasok at magsipag sa work. (kahit wala ng ulam. hahaha. puro kanin na lang!) - why am i talking in riddles? hehe.

18. What do you look forward to in 2008?
Lovelife! cge na..!

19. If your life is a song, what title best fit it?
Sleep all day by jason Mraz? hehe. Crying like a Church on Monday by New radicals.

20. What is the most important to you, besides your family?
my passion.

Tagging: Carla Elizabeth, Joi, martianguy,puffmariapuff (kelangan 8?) hehe

Monday, February 25, 2008


February 1, 2008 11:00pm

Hindi ako makasulat ni isang tula para kay Lorena. Ako na isang makata. Bakit ganun? Tuwing tinatangka ko na ilahad ang natatangi naming pagmamahalan, bigla na lang ako natutulala at nauubusan ng ideya.

Ilan na ba ang nagawa kong tula. Sampu, beinte, tatlumpu? Hindi ko na mabilang. Akala pa naman ni Lorena, siya ang tinutukoy ko sa mga tula ko na ukol sa pag ibig. Hindi niya alam, lahat ng iyon ay walang koneksiyon sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Para yun sa mga babaeng minahal ko, mga babaeng lumisan, mga babaeng hindi ko nakasundo kahit na abot langit ang pagmamahal ko.

Bakit ganun? Pero sino ba ang mag aakala na hindi para sa kanya ang aking mga likha? Siya ang asawa ko at mahigit kalahating dekada na ang aming pagsasama.

Putangina. Ibig sabihin ba nito hindi ko siya mahal? Hindi. Mahal ko si Lorena.

February 3, 2008 1:00pm

Ang swerte ko kay Mike. Mabuting asawa, mabuting kaibigan at napaka talented pa! haaay, pag sinewerte nga naman. Pag binabasa ko mga tula na gawa niya para saken, hindi ko maiwasan na maluha. Pero bakit ganun, parang hindi ko siya mahal. Teka. Paano ba malalaman kung mahal mo na talaga?Una, hindi ko naranasan na tumibok ang puso ko na sobra sobra tulad nung dinedescribe nya sa mga tula nya. Pangalawa,hindi ko mapicture mukha niya pag matagal ko siyang hindi nakikita. Hindi ako kinikilig. Hindi ko siya namimiss. Pero hindi ko siya kayang iwan, kailangan ko si Mike. Mas malakas ako, mas confident pag andiyan siya. At saka wala din naman akong ibang gusto kundi siya. Nirerespeto ko siya. Hinahangaan ng sobra sobra. Hindi na ko makakakita ng katulad niya sa mundong ito. Shet shet. My god, sa tagal namen, eto pa din dilemma ko. NAkakaguilty. Mike doesn’t deserve this. He loves me.

February 3, 2008 11:00pm

Mga alala kasama si Lorena (subject para sa tula)

· magkahawak kamay kami habang nakaupo sa dalampasigan tapos nakakita kami ng maliit na batang lalaki naglalaro sa buhanginan

· unang pag aaway namin kung saan napaiyak ako nung nakita ko siyang lumuha.

· Pag niniig.

· Ang aming ikalimang anibersaryo

Shet. Naalala ko na naman yung ikalimang taon naming anibersaryo, nakakatawa. Lahat ng hinanda kong surpresa para kay Lorena, lahat palpak. Eto na lang isusulat ko.


Bukas na lang.

February 5, 2008 2pm

Malapit na pala ang ika pito naming anibersaryo. Naalala ko tuloy ang ikalima naming anibersaryo. Andaming hinanda ni Mike para sakin. Pero pilit ko iniiwasan. Kasi naman, nakakaguilty. Parang I don’t deserve those things. Pero hinayaan ko na din. Buti hindi nahalata ni Mike.

February 6, 2008 3am

Nilipad ng hanging habagat

Ang lahat ng aking alaala

At iniwan sa sinapupunan

Ng aking pagkatao ang isang memorya.

Mababaw. Gasgas na. bukas na nga lang.

February 6, 2008 3am

Nakatingin ako kay Mike habang sinusulat ko ito. Kaharap niya ang notbuk niya habang nanonood ng TV sa sala. Nagsusulat na naman siguro siya ng tula. Sana katulad ko siya. Sana makasulat ako ng kahit anung malalim na akda para ipakita ko ang pasasalamat ko na siya ang pinakasalan ko.

February 7, 2008 6am

Kaninang madaling araw. Sumuko na ako. Hindi ako makabuo ng kahit ano sa aking pagsusulat. Alauna ng umaga ng nahiga na ko sa kama. Niyakap ko si Lorena at naiyak sa sinabi niya. Mahal ko si Lorena. Hindi man katulad ng nasa aking mga tula ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, hindi ko kayang ipagpalit kung ano mang meron kaming dalawa.

February 7, 2008 7am

Kakaalis lang ni Mike papunta sa trabaho. Ito ang araw ng aming 7th anniversary. Kaninang madaling araw, alauna na siya nagpahinga. Nung niyakap niya ako, Nag isip agad ako ng sasabihin. Kahit ano, kahit hindi totoo basta dapat madrama at malalim. Sabi ko sa kanya, sa mga ganitong panahon na kayakap ko siya, ay mga panahon na lalo ko siyang namimiss..

Pero iniisip ko ngayon, may katotohanan yun. Namimiss ko nga ba siya? Paano ba magkamiss ng minamahal? Hay. Magluluto ako ng paborito ni Mike na ulam. Kahit na lalabas kami, iba pa din yung meron akong inihanda para sa kanya.

. at abo

Pilit niyang inipon ang mga abo

Na siyang tanging patunay na noo’y

may apoy sa dakong iyon


Lumalagablab. mainit

At gumuguhit sa mga palad niyang ang kaniig ay lamig

Paano niya ngayon ipapaliwanag ang hiwaga nito?

Paano niya papatunayan na ito ay bahagi ng kanyang kaluluwa?

Kung nagawa niya itong iwan sa awa ng gabi

Wala na.

Ang abo ay abo.

Tuldok ang kapatid.

**para sa apoy ng mga pangarap na namatay sa buhos ng ulan.

Monday, February 4, 2008

The Empress First Dance

In this tale, one person will die. And Death will come as quietly as grains of dust brush to the wall. It will take the pitiful soul as swiftly as the waves visit to the shore.

A prophesy of death lingered in the atmosphere of the room. The aroma of fear drifted under the sheets of the bed, between the tiny cracks of the window pane, and smoothly throughout the terrazzo, walls and ceiling of the empress' room. There was a rumor of an attack from a nearby kingdom and the oracle saw a tragic death of a prominent yet faceless man.

The empress was sitting quietly on her bed in that dimly lit-fear stricken room. She was on her night gown and her usually adorned hair was resting lazily on her shoulders. Its four o’clock in the morning but she was still fully awake. She was bugged by the rumored attack and the possible death of somebody close to her or of herself. She was staring at the crown resting dignified on one corner when she heard a cough from the terrace. She felt her blood rushed to her face as fear overcome her. She stood up and started to move toward the door but stopped when she heard him spoke up. It was drizzling outside and crickets are deafeningly silent as if they knew the lurking terror of the night.

“It’s me Athea”. The voice was like cold water poured on her that she froze on where she was standing. “It’s me, Agony.”

‘What are you doing here?’ She picked up the blanket that was crumpled onto the floor like a frightened dog and she wrapped it around her gown.

“I came to see you. I just want to make sure that you are okay. I heard the prediction of the prophet about the death of a significant person of this kingdom and, I don’t know, my feet led me to this room” he said while walking towards her direction.

“It is the least I should think of at the moment. There is a threat of attack and being the empress, don’t you think I should be the most bothered. You should leave. I’m tired and I need to sleep.”

“Well, can I have you for a moment in a dance then?” he asked.

“Are you crazy? You could have been killed by the guards if they caught you. You would be ostracized by the people for being here. And now you’re telling me you came here for a superficial reason as this?” she was almost out of breath.

“I don’t care. Athea, death is also the least I’m thinking of. I died a couple of times before. I died when you decided to leave me. I died again when you chose the crown over me and when…” he was cut by her angry look.

‘I didn’t choose the crown. Destiny assigned it to me. I don’t have a choice. The responsibility runs into my blood and breathes like a fetus on my womb. Can’t you understand that?” The crickets started to cry as if they heard her agonized whisper.

“ You promised me the last time we met in the woods with a dance that never ends. Since it seems like the promised eternity is far from what is happening right now, I'll just claim a dust of that vow. I'll claim a moment of dance with you. I died before but was brought back to life because of hope that we could get back together. But this morning smells like coffin drenched by the water of the river. Tomorrow, I will no longer be your lover but a soldier of this kingdom so let me have now what you have promised me. “ She saw sarcasm and mockery all over his face.

“Please stop this none sense. Let's just stop hurting each other and accept that we can never be together. I am the empress and married to my kingdom” tears kissed her cheeks.

“Athea, I am afraid that my body will die tomorrow without seeing you. Let me hold you tonight even for a moment. That's all I ask of you.” he said calmly

She threw herself to him and cried. She sobbed as he led her to a dance through the music only them could hear. Why do good things never last?

Agony lifted stroked her long hair and lifted her face. “I'm afraid this is the last time I will see you. I can't go on like this. I succumb to this fate and die with this memory of you.

I have struggled in vain and I can no longer bear it. I will let go of you now and find my piece of liberty. Don't look for me Athea for I'll be gone for eternity.”


Agony took the path back to the streets. He walked fast without looking back. If war breaks in the next few days, he will fight and end his own torment. He knew the moment that he heard the prophesy that it is he who's going to die. He decided to die. He wanted to die. He has to die now.

But days became months and months became a year but the attack didn't come. They lived peacefully and happily. Agony left and found a new love – away from the kingdom and away from Athea. Everything seems to be normal and the people, including Agony, thought that the prophecy wasn't true after all.

But the crickets witnessed a horrible death. Somebody died that night in that dimly-lit room. They heard the soul stopped crying and drifted somewhere else – to her own delirium probably. The crickets knew the prophesy was true and that death came as silent as the grains of dust brush to the wall and as swiftly as waves visit to the shore. They witnessed the worst kind of death: living without hope and without life.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Lone Traveller with A Pocketful of Happiness

He stared at the vast ocean dancing joyfully in front of him and felt exasperated. This is the seventh sea that he has to cross and exhaustion started to envelop him. ‘Just seven seas and the journey will be complete', he reminded himself of what she had told him. He sat on the biggest rock where the waves smash themselves to smithereens. The moon was in full bloom celebrating the night alone as the clouds hide somewhere else asleep. The color of the immense space reminded him of the coffee he swallowed with his bitterness night after night a long time ago.

He came from a wealthy family in the midst of a lonely town. He has everything money could offer – material things disguised as friends, admiration, and attention. He was smart enough to recognize the reality under the veil of deception. So, one night, he left the town he loved.

It was on the fifth mountain that he had met her. She is not different from the women he knew, nothing special about her that would make him realize that this is the woman he’s been waiting for. He definitely had met better women back in his town –more beautiful, smarter and kinder than her, begging at his mercy to love them. Consequently. for him, this is an ordinary encounter or a new found friendship.

The encounter, unknown to them, was written in the stars’ rays of light. It was written with a happy ending – his hand holding hers in the eternity of deep friendship and romance. But because of quirk of fate, it didn’t happen. For some reason, reality didn’t coincide with what was cosmically written. He didn’t feel the supposed to be calmness whenever she looks at him, that familiar forgotten feeling and that tenderness meant for him and for him alone.

“I seek to find happiness. Do you know the way to where it resides?” he asked.

She could have answered no. She could have told him that the path is arduous that many failed to reach it. She could have made his high hopes crash to the sea but she chose to give him his’ life’s delight.

“Yes, I know the way to the mountain of happiness. You’re halfway there. You just have to cross two oceans more and when you reach the mountain where rainbow ends, you’re there.”

She saw his eyes twinkling with so much enchantment and she felt complete inside. She wished to freeze that moment – the moment where she handed him what he needed to hear.

With that brief answer started a new beginning – a beautiful friendship. It lowered his defenses. The defenses he built around him so not to be attached, to be moved and to be manipulated by emotions. He stayed for a couple of days on that mountain. They talked and sat beside each other by day and candlelight. He stayed until the droplets of water on leaves melted to the sky, until the roots of the grasses grew underneath the bountiful soil, until he remembered the personal journey he has to complete.

“Come with me”. He said one night extending his hand to her.

She trembled. She knew that the journey should be a solitary one and that it would be a visit to the abode that only he can enter.

“I can’t.” She wanted to say more but the pain was so intense to take. She wanted to plead for him to stay. She wanted to be the heroine in the book of his love and not just a memory in one of its chapter's yellow pages. But she should not nurse her self-seeking feelings. The journey is what he needs and not her. Not now.

The next morning he packed his bags and said goodbye. She wished to hear promises of commitment. She wanted him to ask her to wait for his return but he didn’t. She came to him, hugged him and slip something to his pocket. “Keep it.” she said.

So he ended it as swiftly as he began it. He left without looking back. She called his name but only the ghosts of the caves answered.

That was a brief encounter to any standard, too short for them to realize that it is certainty that comes once in a lifetime. That was too short for him to recognize that he had found his soul’s friend. He has heart as cold as ice and ironically, the sun and the rain are his allies.

When he found his strength again, he stood up, dusted off the salt and sand on his pants and crossed the last sea. Shortly, he saw the rainbow’s end. With fervor, he ran and climbed the mountain.

The peak of the mountain was not the place he expected. It was barren, empty and cold. There was a woman sitting beside the tree not far from where he stood. He walked toward her and asked her if he reached the right mountain.

“Yes, my name is Happiness and I dwell in this mountain. You’ve reached the place you have been looking for.” Her voice echoed to the whole mountain that the birds flew, the wild hollered back and the rain started to fall.

“This is not the place I expected. Ahh, the men in my village are right all along. The mountain of happiness is just a myth. I was a fool to believe the lies. I can’t believe that I left the town who loved me only to reach this forgotten land!” he sat beside the woman beneath the tree. He bent his knees to his chest and his arms around his legs.

“You are partially right. This isn’t a place where gold swims beneath the shallow river, or where angels sing all day. Nevertheless, this is where realization of true happiness dawns.

“What do you mean?” He cannot understand the riddle on her speech.

“This is the place where people will uncover the place where happiness hides. In your case, it is in your pocket. It is in you. If you’re in another place, you wouldn’t appreciate the value of it. It is only in coldness that you’ll recognize a trickle of warmth. I will leave you now, my friend. Put your hand in your pocket at the break of dawn and you’ll find what you’re looking for.” She left after that conversation

He sat there until dawn. When the sun peeped from the boulders of mountains, he slid his hand in his pocket and felt something smooth, soft and tender.

He took out the small bag she gave him. He was stunned when he saw her HEART.

--not the end--